Working up the courage you need to go abroad alone

So a lot of people have told me things like "Oh, you're an au pair, entirely alone in a foreign country? You must be so brave!" or "You're such a strong person for doing this all on your own!" or they asked me "How did you get the courage to come here/go there all alone?"

The truth is, I didn't. People are making the very famous mistake of confusing "brave" and "not thinking". Because that's what I did. Or not did. Thinking. I wasn't thinking.

I knew for a fact that going abroad was a cool thing to do, because all the really smart, open-minded, educated and successfull people did it. I knew that the best way to learn a new language is to move to the country where it is spoken. Therefore, the only logical thing to do would be to go abroad, right?

And so I did. And I loved it. I still do. It's the best thing I ever did and I tell that to everyone who wants to hear it. And everyone else. But all that talk about needing so much courage confused me, so I asked those people why they thought I was brave.

And so they told me.

"Aren't you going to be lonely if you don't know anyone?"

"Isn't it really difficult if you don't speak the language very well and locals won't understand you?"

"Isn't it really dangerous for young women to go abroad alone?"

"What if you end up in a crazy family that makes you work every waking minute?"

"What if that single host dad was really only looking for a young sex slave?"

"What if you get homesick and then sit in your room all day, crying?"

"What if you get lost and you don't speak enough of the language to ask for the way back?"

"What if you don't find any friends?"

"What if the kids are horrible?"

"What if you get sick abroad?"

"What if you lose your passport and then have to leave the country?"

"What if you don't like your family?"

"What if something happens?"

"What if your family lives really far off and you can never go anywhere?"

Those were all things I had never even remotely thought about. But now I did.

If we're honest, most of those things are really stupid fears, but some points are true and reasonable fears. They're all easy to overcome if you only want to, but most people have to overcome or at least accept those fears before they decide to go abroad. The thing is, when I realised what could have gone wrong, I was already in Sweden, I was doing well, there was nothing to fear and yet, I freaked out. I freaked out in hindsight about things you don't need to freak out about. Because most of those things don't happen. And if they do, they're not as bad as you expect them to be and most of the time, they're easy to deal with if you just keep calm.

The most important thing you need to do before going abroad is not finding 1859 different insurances and backup plans, it's slowly and deeply breathing in and out.

What kind of fears did you have (or your mum)? Who freaked out before their big journey?

The importance of being comfortable in your family and how to get there

Many au pairs are unhappy in their families and because of that, they can’t enjoy their year abroad as much as they could if they would be happy at their temporary homes. Au Pairing is supposed to be the experience of your lifetime, those months are there for making you grow as a human being, seeing the world with different eyes, finding new friends and last but not least, having a lot of fun!

And for that, you need a good host family. Or rather, a family that fits you, that you’re comfortable with. Host parents often ask stuff from us that was not agreed upon in our contracts, make us work extra hours or they just seem to come from an entirely different planet and you have nothing to say to them. That you’re unhappy in a family doesn't really mean that they’re a bad host family. Although there are bad ones out there, but there are bad au pairs as well. Let’s not forget about that. We au pairs tend to forget that this au pair thing can go wrong for both sides, great families can get stuck with horrible au pairs and great au pairs can get stuck with horrible families.

I was really uncomfortable with my host family in the beginning. Long story short, it was a single father and two kids who were supposed to live to weeks with their father and then two weeks with their mum. At least that’s what it said in the family description. The part where they actually had a plan when the kids are supposed to be where was over really quick and after that came a long phase of chaos. To “make up” for the “lost” hours during mum-week, I should do a little more household stuff. That was what we agreed upon during our talks in the beginning. The “little more” soon turned out to mean “please run the entire household for me because I’m a stereotypical male in this and have no idea how to fill a fridge”.

I soon got kind of depressed when the kids were about to come back and with the lack of schedule and me not knowing when I was working, I got constantly depressed and sad.

That was when I decided that something had to change. So, after a while of planning conversations in my head, I decided to pick up that topic as we were talking about said schedule (or lack thereof). It was really hard and my host dad didn't change my tasks very much, but he did change his attitude. He became a lot more relaxed (although that doesn't mean he wasn't completely stuck up anymore) and with that, I could relax a lot. In addition to that, my host father and his ex-wife made up a new plan that lasted a lot longer than the old one and I could actually enjoy my free time properly.

I think every au pair can kind of relate to that picture.

After that, with a fixed schedule and the permission to relax, my au pair experience got a lot better! I started actually enjoying what I did and just decided to see all this as a great opportunity to learn how to do all that grown-up household stuff.

Now, in some cases the problems won’t solve themselves and “sucking it up” as I basically decided to do won’t help. That’s when you decide to try finding another family. But how exactly do you do that?

At first, you always need to make sure your family knows why you are not feeling well with them. They might not even notice it! Talk to them and calmly explain why you feel unwell. Try to avoid phrases like “This is wrong” or “that’s not good”. Instead go for things like “I have problems with this” or “I feel uncomfortable with that”. That will keep your family from feeling judged and show them that it’s your perception and not a universal truth. That’s important because after all, you’re in a different culture and what might seem as a normal act of kindness to you, might not even cross their minds. That doesn't mean that they’re not well behaved, maybe it’s just not part of their culture. (Like saying “Bless you” after someone sneezed. Swedes don’t really do that and I keep telling poor non-German-speaking Swedes “Gesundheit” after they sneezed :p )

Then there are some options of what could happen:

1. The family acknowledges your points and promises to change. In this case, you can give them a deadline in your head (no need to tell them, that just puts unnecessary pressure on everyone), like a week, two weeks, a month or so. During that time, you can check if they actually change (or honestly try to). If they do and you’re getting comfortable, problem solved! 8) If they don’t change (or don’t even try), and you’re not feeling better, you should start looking for a new family. That is not going to work out.
2. They acknowledge your points, but say you’ll have to adjust, because of the good reasons they give you. Here you should consider what they said about why they are like that and see if you can live with that or not. It’s often easier to take someone's behaviour if you know WHY they're doing it. If you can’t live with that, you should start looking for a new family.
3. They don’t acknowledge your points. If this is the case, you need to tell them that while it might be okay for them, it is not for you and you feel too uncomfortable with that. You should explain to them that you as people just don’t seem to fit together and that it’s probably better for all of you if you change families. You shouldn't suffer through something that you don't like during your year abroad and no family can possibly be really satisfied with an unhappy au pair.

I’m not trying to say that you should go for a rematch at the slightest hint of problems (god, no, please don’t do that! This is a great opportunity to learn how to solve problems entirely on your own! It will make you grow and much happier afterwards.); what I’m saying is that you should consider rematch as a possibility, not think “I’m doing this until the bitter end because I’m sooo strong!”. I probably don’t need to tell anyone to “suck it up” or “grow up” if they’re having problems with their host family, because we all get that often enough. So if sucking it up or adjusting doesn't work and the situation won’t change, go for a rematch! Don’t make yourself unhappy. That year of au pairing is YOUR year, the year where you’ll grow up a lot more than during any other year in your life, where you’ll meet amazing people, do amazing things and have tons of fun. That is, if you actually make it your year and not your host family's.

Who of you had to talk with their host family about what made them uncomfortable? How did you do it? What would be your tips for other au pairs that are planning such a talk?

How to motivate the kids to behave

When the kids are driving you all kinds of crazy because they are not listening to you and you need something to motivate them. 

I was an au-pair for more than three years and I've met many children and faced many problems. We had some spitting, hitting, peeing all over the house to get me into trouble, I've even seen some attempts to murder a younger sibling. That all happens. Children do that. But there are some ways to make them do it less often. Some of my favourite things to do that are charts and time out. 

In the end it should like like this. Or better.

Charts are brilliant for kids because they can see their progress at any given time and they can show their parents how many smiley faces they got today for being good. 

Most used charts are the ones where you just have the name of the child and put stars next to it for any good day, but I have something special. I call it the Toy Shop Chart. You can even ask the kids to help you make it, that will keep them entertained! 

What you need is a piece of paper [the bigger the better, but at least A4] and some colouring pencils or markers. 

First, draw a hill on the paper. A big, big hill. On the top of the hills, there is a house. The house is a toy shop. Now, draw some squares from the bottom of the hill up to the toy shop. Don't forget to make the way up from a lot of squares, twist the way, don't make it too easy for them [but not too difficult either, they would get bored of it]. Colour it in. And you're done. That was easy, wasn't it?

I found it to work the best when I put in on the fridge and bought some special cute magnets, animal magnets usually work.Let's say that you are looking after two kids, a girl named Kate and her brother Simon. Kate wants to be the pink bunny, Simon decides to be the monkey.

If they do as they are told [tidy their rooms, do their homework, etc.], they move up one square. If they don't do what they are told or if they misbehave [hit their sibling, throw something at you, etc], they move one square down. When they get up to the Toy Shop, it means that they get something from the toy shop. Or other kind of rewards. The house can be anything, a sweet shop or a video store, so when they get up there, they will get a lollipop or you will rent a new movie for a night. 

The main rule of the chart: Be fair. Make sure that you are fair with the kids. Don't use the chart just to punish them, use it to reward them as well. Don't reward/punish one child more than the other. Make sure that they are standing next to you when their magnets are moving up or down, so they can actually see that they are doing well or badly. 

The time-out is for punishment only. Let's stay with my two imaginary kids [who are definitely not named after my favourite actors Kate Winslet and Simon Pegg]. Let's say that Simon, who is 5 years old, hits his 4 year old sister Kate. Send him into a time out. It can be sitting on a  step, it can be standing in the hall, sitting on a rug. He is five years old, so he will be in the time out for five minutes. If he was seven years old, it will be seven minutes. Three minutes for a three year old. I think you get it now. Age turns into minutes. Trust me that even stupid five minutes is almost unbearable for him. When in the time out, they are not allowed to do anything, play with anything, talk to you, you don't talk to them. They are not allowed to leave the spot. It's like a prison without bars. If they leave their spot, the time starts again. It's important that you watch the time really closely and when the time is up, you stop the time out. 

At the end of the time out, you come to the child, get your eyes on his eye level, and clearly say to him: "Do you understand why I put you here? I put you into time out because you hit your sister and that is not nice. Now I want you to go and apologize to her." It's really important for you to explain to the child what he did wrong and that he understands it. Make sure he apologizes. The part of the apology should be a hug. 

The first time out will be difficult. I remember a three year old not being able to stay sitting on the rug and running off constantly, se we had to start the time out over and over again and it took over 90 minutes. The next time out took us only about 45 minutes and after few days we managed a time out when he was just sitting there for three minutes without running off. It does work, you just need to be patient.

Good luck!

Did you ever have trouble with the kids behaviour? What did you do? Share your ideas in the comments!

How to find other au-pairs in your area

I am getting a lot of messages from au-pairs if I know any other au-pairs in their area. The answer is simple, no I do not. Sorry. What I thought I might do is sharing some tips about how to find some friends around your new home. 

1. Facebook

When I started my great au-pair career back in 2008, it was really difficult to find someone around me. Not many people were on Facebook and the groups we have today simply didn't exist. It's been only in the last few years when the amount of people on Facebook grew so much and all the groups and pages were founded. 

Since I live in Ireland, I will write this about Ireland, but I promise you that this thing works everywhere. Try to search for a group that has your location in its name. For example I am in Kinsale. First thing I did when I arrived was that I logged onto Facebook and searched for "Aupairs Kinsale". And that was it. Seriously. That's all. Just put together the name of the place where you live and the word aupair. Now some time ago I lived in Ballyragget. It was a tiny village and there wasn't many au-pairs around. The closest bigger town was Kilkenny. What did I search on Facebook? "Kilkenny Aupair". 

The names of the groups vary, but this is what they usually look like, so try them all. Let's say that  you just arrived to a Smurftown to work as an au-pair. You don't know anyone. Go on facebook and look for one of these:

• Smurftown Aupair
• Smurftown Au-pair
• Smurftown Au-pairs
• Smurftown Au-pairs
• Aupair in Smurftown
• Au-pair in Smurftown

....I think that I don't need to go on. You are all clever and I believe in you! 

If you don't find any groups, why don't you start one yourself?

2. Local Newspaper

The papers in smaller towns sometimes offer a free small personal advertising. Check your local paper and see what it would cost you to have a small ad printed in it. Just say that a newcomer au-pair is looking for other au-pairs in this area. The odds are that somebody who knows other au-pairs will see it and let the au-pair know. 

3. Shopping centre bulletin board

You know what I am talking about. Take a piece of paper and write a personal ad where you say that you are a new au-pair and you are looking for other au-pairs in the area. 

Remember that your ad should stand out, so make it special. When I was making mine, I made it look like a flag of my country and I wrote my text on it. I had a few people reacting to it, saying what a good idea it was, because everybody recognizes their country's flag on a bulletin board and then want to stop and read it. In most cases, this advertising is for free, but they take it down after about two weeks, so be sure that you update yours!

How did you find your friends after starting with a new family? Make sure to leave a comment and tell us what worked for you!

Having to work when "you're off"

This post is based on many stories I've heard, and also on my own experiences. I am sure that 99% of you will know what I am talking about. We've all been there:

• "...and while the kids are in school, you're off."
• "...when the baby is asleep, you're off."
• "We are all going on a family trip on Monday, so you will be off."

So you are looking forward to some time for yourself, for your time off. And then the day comes and host parents speak again:

• "After you bring the kids home from school, you're off, but can you please do the dishes, cook dinner, hoover the house and take care of the laundry?"
• "Oh, he's asleep? Great! Can you look after the ironing for me?"
• "We're leaving now, so don't burn the house down and before we come back, can you please clean the house, cook something for us for when we come back, make the beds and tidy the kitchen after the breakfast?"

Sometimes it feels like "being off" means something else to the host parents than it does to the au-pair. Host parents seem to think that the expression means that you don't have to look after the children, so you have time for other chores and when that's all done, you can spend some time alone.

What "being off" means to me is that I don't have to do absolutely anything, being off means that I can be off,  that I can leave the house. It's almost like the parents think that our only job is minding the kids and that doing all the chores is something we enjoy doing in our time off.

Imagine that you work as a nurse in the hospital and they tell you that you are off on Friday, but they will need you to write the patient reports. But don't worry, you don't have to deal with the patients, you're off!

Or you're working at a bakery and your boss calls you up and says that you don't need to bake on Tuesday, so you're off, but you still need to come in and clean the shop. 

So, dear host parents, please, please, please, please, when talking to your au-pair, don't use the expression "you're off", unless the au-pair is absolutely free of any work and can stay in bed or leave the house without any worries. 

If there's something that you're need your au-pair to do that does not involve children, just say something like "Hey, the kids are in school, so you have a bit of peace and quiet, can you please do the ironing and clean their bedrooms?"

How about that? Wouldn't it make the life easier?

Did you ever experience such "time off"? Would you tell your host parents that you don't agree with that? Tell us all about it in comments!

Au-Pair S.O.S. is now on Facebook!

Au-Pair S.O.S. can now be found on Facebook. So if you don't want to miss any updates or new posts, don't forget to "Like" us! 

And this is how we celebrate tonight!

We can be found right here!

Waiting for the first question!

Hi guys, 

so the blog is online and running. The only thing I am missing is you. So what I am going to do now is spam in some Facebook groups and see if somebody sends me an email. 

Don't be afraid to ask, we are all au-pairs and we should stick together!