The importance of being comfortable in your family and how to get there

Many au pairs are unhappy in their families and because of that, they can’t enjoy their year abroad as much as they could if they would be happy at their temporary homes. Au Pairing is supposed to be the experience of your lifetime, those months are there for making you grow as a human being, seeing the world with different eyes, finding new friends and last but not least, having a lot of fun!

And for that, you need a good host family. Or rather, a family that fits you, that you’re comfortable with. Host parents often ask stuff from us that was not agreed upon in our contracts, make us work extra hours or they just seem to come from an entirely different planet and you have nothing to say to them. That you’re unhappy in a family doesn't really mean that they’re a bad host family. Although there are bad ones out there, but there are bad au pairs as well. Let’s not forget about that. We au pairs tend to forget that this au pair thing can go wrong for both sides, great families can get stuck with horrible au pairs and great au pairs can get stuck with horrible families.

I was really uncomfortable with my host family in the beginning. Long story short, it was a single father and two kids who were supposed to live to weeks with their father and then two weeks with their mum. At least that’s what it said in the family description. The part where they actually had a plan when the kids are supposed to be where was over really quick and after that came a long phase of chaos. To “make up” for the “lost” hours during mum-week, I should do a little more household stuff. That was what we agreed upon during our talks in the beginning. The “little more” soon turned out to mean “please run the entire household for me because I’m a stereotypical male in this and have no idea how to fill a fridge”.

I soon got kind of depressed when the kids were about to come back and with the lack of schedule and me not knowing when I was working, I got constantly depressed and sad.

That was when I decided that something had to change. So, after a while of planning conversations in my head, I decided to pick up that topic as we were talking about said schedule (or lack thereof). It was really hard and my host dad didn't change my tasks very much, but he did change his attitude. He became a lot more relaxed (although that doesn't mean he wasn't completely stuck up anymore) and with that, I could relax a lot. In addition to that, my host father and his ex-wife made up a new plan that lasted a lot longer than the old one and I could actually enjoy my free time properly.

I think every au pair can kind of relate to that picture.

After that, with a fixed schedule and the permission to relax, my au pair experience got a lot better! I started actually enjoying what I did and just decided to see all this as a great opportunity to learn how to do all that grown-up household stuff.

Now, in some cases the problems won’t solve themselves and “sucking it up” as I basically decided to do won’t help. That’s when you decide to try finding another family. But how exactly do you do that?

At first, you always need to make sure your family knows why you are not feeling well with them. They might not even notice it! Talk to them and calmly explain why you feel unwell. Try to avoid phrases like “This is wrong” or “that’s not good”. Instead go for things like “I have problems with this” or “I feel uncomfortable with that”. That will keep your family from feeling judged and show them that it’s your perception and not a universal truth. That’s important because after all, you’re in a different culture and what might seem as a normal act of kindness to you, might not even cross their minds. That doesn't mean that they’re not well behaved, maybe it’s just not part of their culture. (Like saying “Bless you” after someone sneezed. Swedes don’t really do that and I keep telling poor non-German-speaking Swedes “Gesundheit” after they sneezed :p )

Then there are some options of what could happen:

1. The family acknowledges your points and promises to change. In this case, you can give them a deadline in your head (no need to tell them, that just puts unnecessary pressure on everyone), like a week, two weeks, a month or so. During that time, you can check if they actually change (or honestly try to). If they do and you’re getting comfortable, problem solved! 8) If they don’t change (or don’t even try), and you’re not feeling better, you should start looking for a new family. That is not going to work out.
2. They acknowledge your points, but say you’ll have to adjust, because of the good reasons they give you. Here you should consider what they said about why they are like that and see if you can live with that or not. It’s often easier to take someone's behaviour if you know WHY they're doing it. If you can’t live with that, you should start looking for a new family.
3. They don’t acknowledge your points. If this is the case, you need to tell them that while it might be okay for them, it is not for you and you feel too uncomfortable with that. You should explain to them that you as people just don’t seem to fit together and that it’s probably better for all of you if you change families. You shouldn't suffer through something that you don't like during your year abroad and no family can possibly be really satisfied with an unhappy au pair.

I’m not trying to say that you should go for a rematch at the slightest hint of problems (god, no, please don’t do that! This is a great opportunity to learn how to solve problems entirely on your own! It will make you grow and much happier afterwards.); what I’m saying is that you should consider rematch as a possibility, not think “I’m doing this until the bitter end because I’m sooo strong!”. I probably don’t need to tell anyone to “suck it up” or “grow up” if they’re having problems with their host family, because we all get that often enough. So if sucking it up or adjusting doesn't work and the situation won’t change, go for a rematch! Don’t make yourself unhappy. That year of au pairing is YOUR year, the year where you’ll grow up a lot more than during any other year in your life, where you’ll meet amazing people, do amazing things and have tons of fun. That is, if you actually make it your year and not your host family's.

Who of you had to talk with their host family about what made them uncomfortable? How did you do it? What would be your tips for other au pairs that are planning such a talk?